I also believe standards, expectations, perspective is where op can learn the most.
Op, you mention things in your post that indicate what you believe would make you happy:
> I have never been a rockstar programmer.
> smart people are able to come up with libraries, services and various solutions from scratch
Do you believe the people who fulfil these dreams are happy because they came up with libraries? I don't think so. I did some cool stuff and I did it for free till 1 o'clock in the morning.. For free! No one even knows about some of those apps/libraries, I've never published it and I so much fun I still come back to looking at the result years later. So I believe a key for you might be to try to have fun doing it. Also I don't believe you just choose to be a "rockstar programmer" and also there is no fun guaranteed if someone else might call you this. You need to find a way having fun doing stuff, not achieving things.
There are many gaps in your description of you life. It's important how you fill the rest of your day and also what kind of thoughts go through your day throughout the day, but as others has pointed out you might just suffer from burnout.
Something that might help you to find things you like doing: Imagine you are the last person on earth. What would still make fun for you to be doing alone? If you don't know the answer to that you need to start looking for new things to do. Things you never tried before.
Op, you mention things in your post that indicate what you believe would make you happy: > I have never been a rockstar programmer. > smart people are able to come up with libraries, services and various solutions from scratch
Do you believe the people who fulfil these dreams are happy because they came up with libraries? I don't think so. I did some cool stuff and I did it for free till 1 o'clock in the morning.. For free! No one even knows about some of those apps/libraries, I've never published it and I so much fun I still come back to looking at the result years later. So I believe a key for you might be to try to have fun doing it. Also I don't believe you just choose to be a "rockstar programmer" and also there is no fun guaranteed if someone else might call you this. You need to find a way having fun doing stuff, not achieving things.
There are many gaps in your description of you life. It's important how you fill the rest of your day and also what kind of thoughts go through your day throughout the day, but as others has pointed out you might just suffer from burnout.
Something that might help you to find things you like doing: Imagine you are the last person on earth. What would still make fun for you to be doing alone? If you don't know the answer to that you need to start looking for new things to do. Things you never tried before.